Martha’s Big Adventure by Martha Randolph Carr

The topic of this column is going to make some people feel like they’re having an episode of déjà vu but hang with me for a little bit. This is nasal surgery, take two.

Just a scant few weeks ago I reported on going to New York for nasal surgery to correct a deviated septum from an old domestic situation dating back 20 years. This surgery was to be my closure on the whole thing and put it to rest, forever. Forever was very short-lived.

The surgery was being covered by the Face to Face foundation, www.facetofacesurgery.org, part of the Educational and Research Foundation for the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS Foundation). Doctors donate their services to repair anything from the neck up that was caused by domestic abuse. The only stipulation for the patient is that they have to show they are well out of the living situation that caused the need for surgery.

Everything was going swimmingly. I wrote the column early and filed it so that there’d be no interruption, describing what was going to happen that day. While I was recovering, all four million readers would be checking out the latest adventure.

I arrived in New York, didn’t eat or drink a drop the next day and was at the surgeon’s office, with the I.V. in my arm, drifting off to sleep.

That’s as far as I got that time.

As it turns out, I have a ‘unique’ physical structure and it was impossible to intubate me, which means the anesthesiologist couldn’t get a tube down my throat and felt it was best in a non-hospital setting not to press the point.

Imagine what it’s like to be awakened and find out nothing was done. It took a couple of days, a sore jaw and a scratchy throat for it to really sink in that nothing happened, yet.

So, here we are on the verge of the second try to have a septoplasty and a turbinate reduction. This time it’s at Northwestern Hospital where I was operated on twice for cancer and the surgeon will be Dr. Douglas Sidle, a plastic surgeon who specializes in noses. The anesthesiology department has a heads-up and is prepared with the right equipment. They assure me the likelihood of any further surprises is very low. I’m a little gun shy but I’m writing this column anyway.

I’m on the prayer lists, just in case, and I’m prepared for what I’m told will feel like a bad head cold and an internal nose splint for about six days. That’s followed by some swelling before the real pay off, which I have waited a very long time to experience.

I’ll be able to breathe deeply through my nose and put a certain time of my life more permanently behind me. Of course, I’m also hoping to be able to exercise more easily and I’ve already joined a gym in anticipation plus found some slow runners and looked up a few 5k’s in my area.

I’m ready for this big change and it’s some good news after a year that included an involuntary move or two plus facing cancer, twice. I’m not saying I’m due, there’s no such thing, only that I’m feeling a different kind of anticipation this time.

Frankly, I’ve lived with this and all of the memories attached to it, for two decades and I’m wondering if when I can finally breathe deeply through my nose again I’ll recognize the sensation. Like some small pieces of me from a younger version that hadn’t seen quite so much will at last come home to roost, once more. I’ll let you know. More adventures to follow.

—–

Martha’s latest guide to embrace change, The 3 x 5 Game is now available at www.marthasbigadventure.com. Email Martha at: Martha@marthasbigadventure.com.

Martha’s Big Adventure by Martha Randolph Carr

Whether or not you believe that human technology and waste had anything to do with it, it’s obvious that old ice caps, bergs and floes are rapidly melting. The Big Melt comes with consequences, like anything else in nature, and besides affecting expected sea levels the lack of so much frozen ice appears to also be changing weather patterns all over the world.

Cartoon by Randy Bish - Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (click to purchase)

I believe, in a completely unscientific observational way that I’ve discovered the new polar region and its right out my back door in Chicago. Sure, this is my first winter here and I was warned all summer long by long-time residents who had looks of wonder as they described just how cold a Chicago cold felt. Comments on the wind and appropriate footwear were the two big topics.

However, even these sages are now muttering something about how this is unusually cold a little earlier, just like last winter. You see, last winter was apparently brutal but everyone thought it was an aberration and then this summer was unusually mild. I’d describe it as delightful but my sun worshipping card was permanently revoked after the melanoma and so not everyone agreed with me. 

Instead of a typical stretch of two months of ninety degree weather there were only two days somewhere in July. The rest of the time it was in the 70’s or 80’s, which is to my way of thinking, perfection. Now, we’ve had twice our usual amount of snow so far this winter and my iPhone said the temperature was zero last Sunday afternoon before the wind chill. 

This only feeds my theory that we are the new Alaska and Alaska is probably the new Minnesota. It will still get cold in Anchorage but not as cold and not for as long of a stretch. Maybe New York City will turn out to be the new tropical rain forest and everyone will argue over messing with the terrain because of the indigenous flora and fauna that found their way to Central Park.

A couple of generations down the line will recognize that these years were a turning point and will adjust their outerwear accordingly. Hopefully, someone will remember this column and realize I was after all a visionary. 

In the meantime, I am already trying to come up with appropriate gear but with really mixed results. While walking downtown near Northwestern Hospital after another doctor’s appointment I spotted a pair of fur-lined boots on sale in the 9 West window and quickly purchased them. It felt like a divine intervention until the first snow fall when I learned that just as much attention has to be given to the tread on the bottom of the boot. 

I was halfway between the El stop and my home when I started to fall flat, over and over again and without warning while walking across newly fallen snow. The good news is I’m still remarkably flexible and have sturdy bones at the age of 50. The bad news is the boots have turned out to be giant slippers. 

I’ve gone back to my old rubber L.L. Bean shoes and have discovered that after about 15 minutes in zero weather it feels like my feet are in their own freezer sections. According to my friend, Cindy what’s needed are wool socks. They’re the key to feeling warm all over. 

Frankly, I haven’t really felt warm, indoors or out for about six weeks now. I’ve felt varying degrees of cold and then enduring the cold and then painful freezing and I’ve been on a mission to find out who has the best hot chocolate in my neighborhood. You can only drink so much coffee or tea but chocolate in any form is always a different matter. So far, Julius Meinl tops the list.

Apparently, I have about another six to eight weeks to go before things start to warm up and that’s only if my theory is wrong. I’ll keep tabs on the place for you and let you know. More adventures to follow.

—–

Martha’s latest guide to embrace change, The 3 x 5 Game is now available at www.marthasbigadventure.com. Email Martha at:Martha@marthasbigadventure.com. 

©2010 Martha Randolph Carr. Martha’s column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email Cari@cagle.com. 

Alright, I admit it. I not only don’t cook very well, when I make the attempt something always happens and it goes horribly awry. However, as my late father used to love to say, my best quality is my worst quality. I’m very stubborn and will try again and again to figure something out.

Cartoon by Andy Singer - PoliticalCartoons.com (click to purchase)

My penchant for not giving in easily can work against me when it’s time to leave a failed project, a dead relationship, a bad job. I tend to want to try every angle just to be sure. There was even a moment when I worked for a furniture store when I found myself whispering over my cell phone in the ladies room to a friend to get me out of there. 

It was as if I didn’t get that I could just quit. Instead, I used to pray that I’d get fired by the screaming manager or the alcoholic boss who gave 30 minute speeches and then remembered none of it later. Eventually, I figured out that much at least and it probably gives everyone a little insight on why I now work from home.

But even after four decades of cooking I still haven’t gotten to a place where any of it comes easily. Cooking still has more of a science experiment quality to it where I can never be sure if it will all come together nicely or blow up like a volcano. The odds are always more in my favor when it’s something that has to be fried but even then it’s a little dicey.

Just ask my son, Louie who would be happy to tell you about the chicken that was well done on the outside and still pink on the inside. There’s a very nice couple, Nick and Amanda who I’ve been having over for dinner lately and every time things just don’t quite turn out. Every time I ask them back I expect them to politely decline and yet, there they are eager to try again. 

Last time I forgot a major ingredient out of the two main dishes and had to improvise. I always take that as a sign that my dinner conversation must be top-notch and worth the so-so food.

Last year a date I had cooked for tried to pay me a compliment and said I spooned things out of containers awfully well. After a moment we both broke up laughing. 

So, now I’m trying to raise the odds of my success and received from Louie this Christmas a shiny new red Crock Pot. I’m attempting a chicken with mustard and artichoke hearts recipe I got from an editor and having over Louie and his girlfriend, Kathy for dinner tonight. Cross your fingers or better yet, say a prayer. 

Okay, so I forgot to thaw the chicken and because of the snow storm raging through the Midwest the grocery story was running low so I have a mixture of legs and boneless breasts. Hopefully, everything will still turn out okay.

You see, optimism is one of the other causes of my stubborn streak and is probably what Dad meant about it being my best quality as well. I’m willing to believe the next time will be better and because of that there are times that I’m right. There are some very nice things in life that aren’t achieved or sustained without a lot of tries like getting published or being a good parent to a grown son. 

My latest attempt at optimistic stubbornness is an interactive web site, www.marthasbigadventure.com that has had me wondering if I bit off more than I could chew. There are 16 different experts and thousands of subscribers and it sometimes feels like I’m wrangling cats. Here’s where all of my earlier practice at trying every angle actually pays off. 

Many people might bail out when their first attempts don’t work but I’ve learned to take a step back, evaluate what has worked and ask for help from those who’ve gone before me down a particular path. I have learned how to use my innate quality as an asset whenever possible. I think Dad would be proud. Check out the new web site and let me know what you think. More adventures to follow.

—–

Martha’s latest guide to embrace change, The 3 x 5 Game is now available at www.marthasbigadventure.com. Email Martha at: Martha@marthasbigadventure.com. 

©2010 Martha Randolph Carr. Martha’s column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email Cari@cagle.com. 

Back in 1987, when my son, Louie was brand new to this world I felt so unsure of myself as a mother that I would repeat over and over again, “He’ll grow up in spite of me.” Now, he is 22 years old and there has been a lot of living between then and now.

Along the way there were particularly large events that created a mark so indelible that anything that happened around them were seen as before or after. In 1990, there was the divorce and moving out of the only house I’ve ever owned.

I can easily place smaller events right around that and see how well I accepted change and how much I flailed against it.

In those days I was much more likely to move very reluctantly through any kind of change, which stopped me from evaluating all of my options. I really didn’t want to be doing anything and out of a fear that things couldn’t work out I refused to actively make decisions. It was as if I was trying to avoid blame for the disasters I was sure were just ahead of me.

But, in 2006 I was finally worn out enough and sought to figure out why I never felt peaceful. Anxiety in those days was a constant state of being for me and I was pretty bad about celebrating anything that happened in my life. None of it lessened my fear of just living so none of it was enough.

Books were published and there were articles in major newspapers, new boyfriends, running in 5k races and plenty more. There was a lot of living that slipped through my fingers.

I still felt empty and alone and I looked at others who appeared to be more peaceful and felt they had some secret that created a gulf between us.

The event in 2006 that finally pushed me into seeking help was the discovery that Louie was an alcoholic and that all of my efforts that in those days I called ‘help’ weren’t going to be enough. I had failed at the one thing in my life that I had thought I was really good at doing, or so I thought.

I am telling this part of our history with Louie’s permission and only as a measure of my own growth because as it turns out that day in August, 2006 was the worst and the best day of my life. I finally asked for help and stayed around long enough to figure out how to use what was offered.

Back then, I never understood how much I kept to myself until I started reaching out toward others who were going through a similar life story. Even now, I can suddenly become aware of an old anxiety that I’m still wrestling with all by myself even though there are places that I have found that I can share and find comfort.

Part of my growth has also been learning how to pray without begging and then actually accepting the help that was provided. I was equally as bad about acceptance as I was at asking in the first place. I learned that talking about what works isn’t the same as actually taking the steps. One is a life in theory and the other is actually living.

This past holiday season I had the opportunity to hang out with Louie, who is now sober, and his girlfriend, Kathy and see that we have developed a new kind of normal. There are boundaries now that make it easier to share each other’s lives and there is a new respect as well as a lot more humor in our lives.

Best of all, I mostly live in a peaceful state of being these days and have tools and people I can turn to when I slip out of that state. I can recognize that having lower moments is a normal part of living as well. It’s a quiet kind of indelible mark that I can place the events of life around and appreciate what has always been available to me. More adventure to follow.

—–
Ask Martha how to get to your dream and receive a free gift of Martha’s new Big Adventure book, The 3 x 5 Game - www.marthasbigadventure.com/book. Email Martha at: Martha@marthasbigadventure.com.

©2010 Martha Randolph Carr. Martha’s column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email Cari@cagle.com.

It’s time for our third annual New Year’s Day tradition where we all let ourselves off the hook with the whole resolution thing and pick a word instead. For those of you who are just joining us, for the past two years we have skipped making a list of resolutions because really it’s only a list of what we don’t like about ourselves.

That’s a real downer and has been proven quite effectively to be an unproductive waste of time. It’s not like we don’t know what we’d like to change about ourselves but perhaps focusing on all of the things we haven’t gotten to is a little too overwhelming.

Instead, myself and the readers of Martha’s Big Adventure have been picking a word that’s more like a theme and incorporating the idea into our lives. There doesn’t have to be a lot of soul searching. This can be about the word that comes to you in a moment.

My word for 2009 has been ‘balance’.

Over the year I ended up taking a look at all of the pieces in my life and reviewed whether or not there was some kind of balance. I have a tendency to lean too far to one side or the other, which can lead to a lot of dramas, big and small and eat up a lot of time.

The assessment showed me that for one thing, I hang on to a lot of business projects well past their expiration date out of some idea that letting go of what wasn’t working was failure and failure equaled lower self worth. I closed a few things, got off a few committees and was ready when a bigger opportunity at www.marthasbigadventure.com arose later in the year. My career plate had an opening and I was able to keep the idea of balance in mind when negotiating my role in a new venture.

The whole idea of balance was also very useful in 2009 when I moved out of New York City and had to pick a new place to live. Rather than choosing a new home based on one or two reasons, I tried to balance out all of my needs. Chicago has turned out to be a great city for me.

The theme of balance helped when I had to deal with melanoma and all of my options as well. Keeping the idea of balance in mind all year has reminded me that I have choices in dire circumstances or even happy occasions and that there are ways to figure out which option I really want to take.

When I found myself turning 50 in a new city where I didn’t know anyone I used the idea of balance to parse out what I really wanted in terms of a celebration. What mattered to me was having something low-key with a lot of people so I came up with a pot-luck and handed out fliers to all of my acquaintances. The party was a huge hit and acquaintances turned into friends.

Now, it’s time to pick a new word for 2010. There are no rules about whether or not you share the information with friends and family. However, in order to avoid having someone else frame what the words means to you, it might be wise to let it settle in for awhile. Often, especially around a new year, well-meaning loved ones shape their answers around their own expectations and fears.

After two years of going resolution-free and just choosing a theme there are a couple of things I’ve noticed that have been welcome by-products. The first is that it’s been easier to incorporate changes and feel successful because there’s no end goal in mind.

Choosing a resolution like losing weight meant success or failure. Choosing a word like balance meant asking myself all the time what that means for me and being a lot more flexible with the answers.

The other by-product has been that I’ve learned how to trust myself more because having a theme removed the need to compete with myself or others in order to feel better and replaced it with the theme that life is a journey. There are no destinations.

That made it easier to live one day at a time and be satisfied with what I could reasonably do in a day. That’s a great definition of a balanced life. My word for 2010 is going to be Partnership. I’ll let you know what that shapes up to be. Stay tuned. Happy New Year’s everyone!

—–

Ask Martha how to get to your dream and receive a free gift of Martha’s new Big Adventure book, The 3 x 5 Game - www.marthasbigadventure.com. Email Martha at: Martha@caglecartoons.com.

©2009 Martha Randolph Carr. Martha’s column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email Cari@cagle.com.

The clearest bench mark of our personal view on ourselves is whether or not we trust that small voice within or feel the need to survey the crowds. I used to think it was a necessity to ask everyone I was trying to impress what to do next or at least ask those I wanted to keep within my orbit.

The idea of looking within and trusting myself seemed too risky. If no one else ended up agreeing with me I might be left standing alone. That left me feeling like my true self, buried under all of that advice, was not someone anyone else would like to get to know, including me.

That created a wall of separation between me and everyone else, including my version of a higher power. I felt alone even when standing in a crowded room.

But it was never the truth of who any of us are and during this holiday season we can instead celebrate that idea of unconditional love passed from one to another. Hopefully, we are giving a lot of love to ourselves as well.

Fortunately, for me times have also changed and I’ve learned there’s a large price to pay for being as shallow as a puddle. I had prevented a real relationship from forming that could have been based on a sturdier foundation.

Those are the ones that are at the base of any good marriage or life-long friendship and can be counted on regardless of the circumstances.

What stops a lot of us from ever asking for help when we could really use it is that false front and the amount of resentment that gets heaped onto everything. We figure everyone else will judge us because that’s what we’re already doing. That’s a natural fallout from the survey method of living.

Turn that around, though, and begin with trust or what some might call faith and believe that you’re enough right where you are without shedding a pound or gaining some hair or buying a fancy car. You are exactly what’s desired for a large group of people out there just waiting for you.

Imagine living a life like that. The upside is the need to get angry in traffic or snipe at a coworker disappears and is replaced with a sense that everyone is doing the best that they can. Peace follows and takes up residence in all of those previously empty spaces.

As I came out from behind my own false front it turned out to be true that not everyone wanted to stick around and that was okay. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives. There is constant change even there and the more we can leave that door open for people to come and go the easier it is for some to return and for those who really want to be there to stay put.

It has taken time but now I am a beginning guitar player, somewhat of a runner, love chili and Thai food and prefer wearing bright colors. I’ve embraced my inner-suburban and celebrate that I’m more versed about a good TV show than a classic book, even though I read a lot. I am as thrilled by over-the-top Christmas decorations as I was when I was a kid and I’m very good at starting a meaningful conversation with a complete stranger.

In other words, I’m enough for whatever task is at hand so no more need for surveys. I can just start with the step that appears before me, take it one day at a time and get on with things. No worries about how it’ll turn out or if it’ll turn out. Those aren’t questions we can ever answer anyway.

Instead, I’ll put all of my efforts into doing my best to stay present with the loved ones right around me and being of service whenever possible. More adventures to follow.

—–

Ask Martha how to get to your dream and receive a free gift of Martha’s new Big Adventure book, The 3 x 5 Game - www.marthasbigadventure.com. Email Martha at: Martha@caglecartoons.com.

©2009 Martha Randolph Carr. Martha’s column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email Cari@cagle.com.