I doubt a middle-aged, Irish-looking fellow would try such a thing.

I refer to the Christmas Day bombing attempt. Authorities allege that a Nigerian fellow with ties to al-Qaida nearly brought down a plane by setting off explosives in his bloomers.

Cartoon by Cam Cardow - Ottawa Citizen (click to purchase)

I know it’s unpleasant to acknowledge, but the al-Qaida fellows are at war with us.

Since they don’t have battleships, fighter jets or tanks, they board our commercial planes and try to blow them up.

Since we know that’s what they’re trying to do, our government, since 9/11, has written new laws and spent billions to upgrade our systems.

Most importantly, it’s stepped up efforts to carefully screen middle-aged, Irish-looking fellows who attempt to board commercial flights.

Thankfully, I don’t fly as much as I used to, but I went through a stretch in which I was pulled aside for secondary screening three flights in a row.

Secondary screening, for those of you lucky enough to never fly, involves a thorough scanning and pat-down by Transportation Security Administration guards.

Now I have sympathy for the people who screen thousands of passengers every day. It isn’t TSA’s fault that some people are trying to blow other people out of the sky.

But why do so many airports have big, burly guards doing the secondary screening?

Guard Bubba directed me to sit in a chair and lift each leg as he waved an electronic wand all about me. He told me to stand as he waved the wand over the rest of me.

Then things got personal.

Bubba told me to hold my arms out to my side, then, standing behind me, patted me down so thoroughly there is only one word that approximates what transpired: dating.

I didn’t know if I should slug the fellow or send him roses.

The process is even more intrusive for women. Because they have more places to conceal explosives, they get patted down in a manner that otherwise would require dinner and a show.

I can’t prove it, but I suspect the guards are profiling passengers — the more attractive the lady, the more likely Bubba will direct her to the special screening area.

That’s what I’d do if I had Bubba’s job. I’d single-handedly secure the skies from the threat of hot-looking female terrorists.

I know it makes some folks feel safe that all passengers — even 92-year-old grandmothers — are being rigorously screened at our airports.

But then again, it’s frightening how easy it was for the alleged Christmas bomber to board a U.S.-bound flight.

He reportedly had been training with al-Qaida in Yemen — he was supposed to be on a watch list but wasn’t.

His father warned the U.S. embassy in Nigeria that his son was boarding a U.S.-bound plane with no luggage — he told them his son espoused a radicalized faith and might do something bad.

The son reportedly paid cash for his ticket and had no luggage — yet he waltzed right onto the plane.

Despite all the dough we’ve spent since 9/11 — despite all the changes — it was only through the grace of God that the undie bomb failed to detonate.

Everyone is scared again, so our government is promising to make the system work better again.

I know what that means: middle-aged, Irish-looking fellows can expect even more patting down.

I just hope Bubba is more considerate next time. We were once so close, yet he never writes, he never calls.

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©2010 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Get this: The federal government is offering tips on New Year’s resolutions.

I stumbled upon its “Popular New Year’s Resolutions” page on usa.gov, the official Web portal of the United States government.

“Lose Weight” is one. When I clicked the link there, it took me to the page for the Weight-control Information Network (WIN), a government agency tasked with keeping the public informed about obesity, weight control, physical activity and nutrition.

WIN’s advice: “To lose weight you need to take in fewer calories than you use” and “create a healthy eating plan.”

Excited by such groundbreaking information, I moved along to “Manage Debt” — something the government surely knows plenty about.

Its link took me to the Federal Trade Commission’s Consumer Protection page. There I was advised that if I’m knee-deep in debt, I’ll want to develop a budget and contact my creditors. I was also warned to be leery of debt-restructuring agencies.

So useful was that advice, I couldn’t wait to move on to “Save Money.” Its link took me to a page that offered 66 ways to save.

I clicked on “Credit Cards” and was informed that, to avoid a late fee, I ought to send in my payment five to 10 days before the bill is due. I also learned that I can avoid interest charges if I pay off my balance each month!

Since I own some rental properties, I was curious to see what money-saving tips the government is giving to prospective renters.

To wit: Renters are encouraged to shop around for the best deal — or find a building they want to live in and contact the building manager to see if there is availability.

And before signing a lease, renters should be cautious: “Remember that signing a lease probably obligates you to make all monthly payments for the term of the agreement.”

Probably? I’ve written a few leases in my day. I’ve been careful to keep “probably” out of the final drafts.

Nonetheless, the government offers two other useful suggestions: “Drink Less Alcohol” and “Quit Smoking Now.”

The first link brought me to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism page. The existence of this government agency struck me as ironic.

Our government is doing so much to cause us to drink — spending, deficits, debt — that it has to establish another government entity to help us stop?

The smoking link took me to another government Web site, smokefree.gov, where I learned that smoking isn’t good for you. I was able to get live online help from a federal employee at the National Cancer Institute.

Though I don’t smoke, I was so delighted by the “free” government support, I’m looking into starting.

“Reduce Stress Overall” was another resolution suggestion. The link took me to MedlinePlus, an online encyclopedia of health information. It is a service of another government entity, the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

There I learned that long-term stress isn’t good — that to address it, one must get to its underlying causes.

Well, here are some underlying causes.

Our government has gotten so bloated, it is offering tips on New Year’s resolutions — and directing us to government agencies to help us keep them?

If any entity should be making resolutions, shouldn’t it be the federal government - and shouldn’t its resolutions be based on the will and direction of the people?

Of course the birds in charge are ramming through legislation regardless of our will.

It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

When I break that resolution, the last place I’ll go for support is the federal government.

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©2010 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Ah, the new year is upon us. The media has been featuring stories of rich, famous people who died in 2009.

Let me share the story of one of the wealthiest fellows I ever met. His name was John Swiatek. He died a week ago, just shy of his 84th birthday.

Cartoon by Jeff Parker - Florida Today (Click to view more cartoons)

John was born in 1925, the only son in a family with six daughters. His family lived in a row house on Pittsburgh’s North Side.

He was barely 5 when the Depression hit. His family struggled for years. He didn’t know the joy of indoor plumbing until he was in his teens.

By financial measures, his family was poor, but John didn’t know it. They had a roof over their heads, enough food to eat — they had laughter and caring neighbors.

He graduated from high school in 1942 at age 17 and passed on a college basketball scholarship to enlist in the Navy.

World War II was under way. He was on a ship in the South Pacific when a typhoon hit. The ship sank in enemy territory. John hid in a cave and scavenged for food at night.

He survived the ordeal. One day, while walking down the streets of Iwo Jima, he bumped into his brother-in-law, who was also serving in the Navy. They enjoyed a brief reunion.

His brother-in-law was killed the next day, when the Japanese sank the ship on which he served.

John made it home, though. He went on a blind date with Anna Mae O’Toole. He was of 100-percent Polish heritage, she of 100-percent Irish heritage.

It was a match made in heaven. They would have four children and 12 grandchildren.

John took work as a fireman. His first fire was in a warehouse on Pittsburgh’s South Side. He and the veteran fireman who was training him were fighting the blaze when a high-voltage wire broke loose.

The wire whipped about violently. It just missed John but hit the fireman next to him, killing the other fireman instantly.

John worked as a fireman the next 23 years. He always had at least two jobs — sometimes three.

He set aside every penny to provide for his family — he sent his kids to private schools and saved for their college educations.

Material things never impressed him. He had a modest home, a basic car. All he cared about was his family.

John never became famous or financially well-to-do. He never got embroiled in salacious scandals that put his mug all over the tube.

He was an honest man who paid his bills on time.

He was a firm but loving father, his oldest son said, and his example had a powerful impact on his children and grandchildren.

He was a good neighbor. He became the surrogate father to a young man living next door, whose father had been taken early.

Our civilization was built on the shoulders of such fellows — men who toil, sacrifice and provide in silence.

John had no way of knowing it but the decisions he made in his life would benefit total strangers.

His honesty and goodness would take root in his children and his children’s children — character traits that are benefiting my family now.

My sister married John’s youngest son, a good man like his father.

As this year winds down and the media dwell on the rich and famous, I thought it important to share the story of a genuine American hero.

As I said, John Swiatek was one of the wealthiest fellows I ever met.

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©2009 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

If human activity got us into the mess, can human activity can get us out?

I refer to “SuperFreakonomics,” a hugely entertaining book by University of Chicago economist Steven Levitt and co-author Stephen Dubner.

Levitt and Dubner mine cold, hard economic and scientific data to arrive at some offbeat conclusions.

Cartoon by Manny Francisco (click to purchase)

The two tackled this bold question: What is the cheapest, fastest way to cool the Earth?

The question assumes, of course, that human activity is a primary cause of long-term warming; the Earth has warmed over the past 100 years, though it has cooled recently.

The point: Supposing the Earth got so hot that the doomsday scenarios some are selling were to come true, what could we do about it?

Levitt and Dubner’s research led them to a group of inventors in Bellevue, Wash., at a company called Intellectual Ventures (IV).

The IV guys are no kooks.

IV was founded in 2000 by Nathan Myhrvold, formerly chief technology officer of Microsoft. The company has raised $5 billion to invent all kinds of cool solutions, such as clean, cheap forms of energy.

The IV guys suspect human activity has contributed to warming — we humans have been burning lots of fossil fuels for a few hundred years now.

They also think that global-warming rhetoric in the media and political circles is oversimplified and exaggerated.

They think the current generation of climate-prediction models is “enormously crude” — that there is an enormous amount of natural phenomena the models can’t account for, such as water vapor, the biggest greenhouse gas.

They think the conventional wisdom on how to resolve any potential problems is:

• Too little: Conservation efforts, such as wind power, won’t cut it.

• Too late: Even if we stopped emitting carbon dioxide today, the carbon we’ve already emitted will stay in the atmosphere for 100 years.

• Too optimistic: It is way too hopeful to believe humans will seriously cut carbon emissions, as our friends in China demonstrate on a daily basis.

So, supposing human activity were to lead to cataclysm, what could we do?

We could mimic the effects of a giant volcano!

When Mt. Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it pumped millions of tons of sulfur dioxide into the stratosphere, the area seven miles above the Earth’s surface.

The sulfur dioxide absorbed water vapor and formed an aerosol cloud that rapidly blanketed the globe. The hazy blanket reflected the sun, causing the Earth to cool.

Thus, IV has proposed a contraption — a giant garden hose, of sorts — that could be lifted high into the air with helium balloons. It could pump sulfur dioxide directly into the stratosphere.

It sounds like something from the Willy Wonka chocolate factory, but it would likely work.

And it would be cheap - a total cost of $250 million. That’s less than the U.S. government spends every hour.

Levitt and Dubner have been assailed by some for oversimplifying a complex matter, when all they were trying to do was answer a simple question:

What is the cheapest, fastest way to cool the Earth?

In any event, while some prophesy gloom and doom — that the Earth will erupt into a fiery ball unless we spend trillions to drastically cut greenhouse gas emissions — I place my hope in human invention and ingenuity.

I’m betting someone will invent clean, cheap energy that will end our carbon worries forever.

Hey, maybe the IV guys will invent an SUV that runs on kangaroo droppings.

Unlike cow droppings, say Levitt and Dubner, kangaroo doo is methane-free.

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©2009 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

The snow started coming down hard a few hours after we’d arrived.

It was Christmas Eve 1976. We were 20 miles from home, visiting my mother’s sister at her home in the country.

Earlier that evening, my mother, father, grandmother and sisters had piled into the station wagon to begin our trek.

Cartoon by Dave Granlund - PoliticalCartoons.com (Click to enlarge)

I was 14 then. My sisters and I were getting older - growing up. Only our youngest sister still believed in Santa Claus.

Teenagers don’t much enjoy being stuck in a car together and the annoyance was clear.

My father was in an unpleasant mood. His mother had died on New Year’s Day a few years earlier. He’d lost his father when he was only 3.

The merriness of Christmas, which had come so easily when we were tots, was absent.

Fortunately, when we arrived, there was a festive spirit in the air and holiday cookies — that always lifted my spirits.

My mother had three sisters and two brothers. They had 26 children among them. My young cousins filled the house with excitement and joy.

I joined my father and uncles, who talked about football, the automobile tires and the weather.

I joined my mother and my aunts, who laughed aloud as they related stories about their children or their father or long-lost relatives.

Then the snow began.

It came on thick and fast and my father, worried, soon urged us to get our things and get in the car.

By the time we got onto the highway, the roads were blanketed and few cars were out. The thick snow deadened the sound of the tires.

It was as though we were in a sleigh gliding silently through the snow-covered countryside.

The snow brought calm over us. Snow always does that.

We humans like to think we have more control over our world than we do. The fact is we have very little control over most things.

The snow makes us remember this. The snow makes us realize how small we really are - how small our worries often are.

My father turned on the radio and tuned in old-time radio broadcasts that one station plays every Christmas.

Don Ameche and Frances Langford were performing “The Bickersons,” a 1940s show in which a married couple got into hilarious arguments.

I remember one line in which the wife asked if he’d had breakfast and he said he just ate the oatmeal on the stove. “That isn’t oatmeal!” she said. “I’m wallpapering.”

We laughed heartily at the performance - my father’s booming laugh most prominent of all.

I felt the way families must have felt back in the 1940s. They joined together in front of the radio while performers painted vivid pictures in their imagination.

We enjoyed the old radio shows for a while.

We coaxed our grandmother into telling us stories of what Christmas was like when she was a child.

My mother got us to sing Christmas carols.

The snow gave us humility. Once humbled, the confinement that had agitated us on the drive to my aunt’s house had allowed a serenity we forgot was possible.

As our economy sputters, our families struggle and our politicians seek to reshape our institutions, humility is what we need most.

Here’s a great place to start:

*”God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

And so it is that I’m praying for a white Christmas.

*The prayer mentioned is often attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr.

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©2009 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

The end of the year is upon us — a fine time for a fellow to dwell on the larger matters.

Such as this: Why are men turning into a bunch of softies?

I’ve been following this transformation for some time.

In the late ’90s, the covers of men’s magazines began producing headlines nearly identical to women’s magazines: “Ten tips to remove that flab and win her attention!”

In 2003, I reported on the emergence of the “metrosexual” male — “straight urban men who are willing, even eager, to embrace their feminine sides,” said The New York Times.

In 2006, I reported on the Man Bag, a purse for men, though its creators hate when you call it that.

The modern man needs a purse so he can tote around his hair goop and other items he can’t be without.

One happy Man Bag customer explained why he bought one — it prevented his wallet, which he had carried in his back pocket, from misaligning his spine.

That’s great. We’re at war with tough-guy terrorists and our guys are getting injured by their wallets.

In 2007, I reported on another male trend: the “ubersexual” male.

An ubersexual is a metrosexual on turbo — a “stylish urban fellow committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life,” says askmen.com.

Including makeup.

Eyeliner for men — “guyliner” — is another softy male trend, as reported in The Washington Post. What is more puzzling than the sissification of modern males is that more women seem to be going for them.

And so it was that a report in the UK Daily Mail, a few months back, caught my attention.

A scientific study, highlighted in the journal Trends in Ecology and Evolution, offers a theory as to why more women appear to be drawn to softy men.

It may have to do with the contraceptive pill.

When a woman is fertile, a few days a month, she is attracted to men who are assertive and masculine.

Her DNA directs her to pick a mate whose genetic makeup is rugged and dissimilar to her own, thus increasing her chances of having a healthy child.

The pill blocks fertility — thus, women are more prone to go for boyish, softy men?

The pill has been around for 40 years or so — the same period in which Hollywood icons such as Kirk Douglas and John Wayne have morphed into pouty, sensitive fellows, such as Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio.

The scientists say more study is needed. Still, their theory on the sissification of the modern male is worth pondering.

The truth is men have always become whatever it is women want.

And, it would appear, fewer women want fellows from the “Mad Men” era — stubborn, unabashedly masculine fellows who are more action than words.

It would appear more women are drawn to softy fellows, which is prompting more men to get dolled up at hair salons, adorn themselves in the latest hip fashions and paint up their noggins with the latest from Mary Kay.

Whatever the cause, the trend may not bode well for America.

If your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, will there be any regular fellows around who know how to fix things and don’t mind getting their hands dirty?

The best you may be able to hope for is that a modern fellow stops his car to offer consolation and hand you a cell phone from his purse.

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©2009 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Visit Tom on the web at www.TomPurcell.com or e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.