Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

All right, it was a hecka-long holiday season. I’m tired and you’re tired. And neither of us has the energy to go through the whole post-modern deconstructionist explanation as to why you’re reading a predictions column here.

Cartoon by Nate Beeler - Washington Examiner (click to purchase)

Yes, I’m doing a predictions column. What’s the matter with you people? It’s the beginning of a new year. Hell, it’s the beginning of a new decade. That’s what journalists do: prediction columns. It’s a festive tradition. Like mistletoe or Hopping John or calling hospital emergency rooms when Uncle Bud goes missing in the wee hours of Boxing Day.

And no, I don’t care that we’re already deep enough into January that most of our resolutions lie broken on the calendar floor like branches of a discarded Noble fir on the shoulder of a logging-camp approach road. C’mon people, what am I, flying solo here? Deal with it. Or don’t. Because here they are: a list of predictions of what we can or should expect from various people during the 1st year of the second decade of the 21st century. 

I PREDICT THAT IN THE YEAR 2010:

The Airline Industry will make every effort to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: panties.

Charlie Sheen will attempt to hire whoever is responsible for Tiger Woods’ damage control.

Steve Jobs will evacuate a series of smooth, light and aerodynamically curvaceous clumps of waste, which will be reported upon at great length.

Barack Obama will finally purge himself of that overabundance of expectations for a bit of Congressional assistance.

Tiger Woods will win the Masters, evidencing such a triumphant links return that other PGA wives will be encouraged to take 9 irons to their husbands’ Escalades.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will direct his security detail to check out the firm responsible for Charlie Sheen’s damage control.

Termed-out California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will band together with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal to form The Seniors Action-Star Film Series.

The U.S. Congress will outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that may or may not involve raising the retirement age to 83.

In order to thwart further underwear bombing plots, the TSA will perfect the speedy implementation of the two-handed wedgie. 

The Teabaggers will actively set out to find someone in their movement involved in popular culture sufficiently to help them vet a new name.

Law & Order Producer Dick Wolf will create his own network and fill each and every prime time slot with Law & Order & Law & Order spin-offs including a posthumous CGI-enhanced Law & Order featuring fan favorite Jerry Orbach.

Joe Biden will undergo intense personal training to learn how to shut the hell up during moments of silence at Arlington National Cemetery. 

Hillary Clinton will finally get rid of that piece of meat stuck in her craw.

Jerry Brown will receive a clean bill of health from his paleontologist and go on to win the California gubernatorial election after being recognized as the biggest goober in the race.

George Steinbrenner will convince the Commissioner to award the 2010 World Series championship to the Yankees before the season starts to save wear and tear on his expensively fragile lineup.

CEO of the CIA, Leon Panetta, will get a piece of meat stuck in his craw. 

Former Vice President Al Gore will continue to cultivate a high profile in order to finally realize his dream of becoming a permanent cast member on Saturday Night Live.

Sarah Palin will actually finish, nah, never mind. 

—–

Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic, who writes sometimes; this being a sterling example.

Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

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As a political cartoonist, my focus is generally on the state of New Jersey, where I draw cartoons for The Press of Atlantic City and syndicate them throughout the state.  New Jersey’s environment of corrupt politicians, high taxes and a diverse state split between Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi creates a perfect storm for cartooning.

Here is a collection of my Top 10 Cartoons of 2009, in no relative order. I hope you enjoy them, even if you’re only reference point for The Garden State is MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore.’

The year started off with Barack Obama’s election, and from the very start, the media felt the need to portray him as mythic. There was even true concern that comedians and political cartoonists wouldn’t be able to make fun of him. Almost a year later, I’m glad we’ve been able to prove them wrong.

Here’s a cartoon of favorite target, former New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine. Most of the cartoons I do are local to New Jersey, and Corzine proved to be a perfect symbol for a broken state. His approval ratings were upside down in an overly democratic state, and was dependent on Obama’s popularity to pull him through the election. Didn’t really work out.

One of the reasons people hated Corzine was he came into office under the guise of being a financial whiz-kid due to his time with Goldman Sachs. Instead, he leave with him a record of raising taxes, pushing up tolls and passing the ever-increasing burden of deficits and liabilities to future generations of New Jerseyans.

During the gubernatorial campaign, Corzine’s popularity was so bad, he chose to avoid local media outlets and constantly appeared on cable channels CNBC spouting his thoughts on the recession, allowing him to avoid New Jersey’s problems.

2009 saw Sarah Palin, everyone’s favorite Teabagger, resign from her post as Governor of Alaska. She didn’t want to be a lame-duck Governor that made tons of dough peddling a book around the country, so she left to spout her Main Street inanity through Facebook and Twitter. My favorite quote about her book Going Rogue comes from the New York Times Book Review: “Going Rogue, in other words, is a four-hundred-page paean to virtuous ignorance.”

Although Barack Obama campaigned against marriage equality, he has supported gay marriage in the past, and did run on eliminating the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. However, when opportunities to fight for gay rights were presented (Maine, New York, New Jersey), the silence from Obama, who seems to never be far from a television camera, was deafening.

The Independent candidate in New Jersey’s Gubenatorial race, Chris Daggett, found it hard to gain traction in a media environment more focused on traffic incidents, weight and catty politics than substanitive policy discussions.

Republican candidate Chris Christie, who gained political gravitas through his conviction of corrupt state politicians as U.S. Attorneys, began to become unraveled by questions surrounding earning Karl Rove’s loyalty and the politicization of the U.S. Attorney’s office.

Ultimately, Chris Christie would go on to win New Jersey’s Gubernatorial Election, becoming the state’s first elected Republican Governor since Christie Tood Whitman was elected in 1994. His reliance on talking points about tax cuts is equally matched by is inability to back it up with specifics.

Chris Christie hasn’t even officially become Governor of New Jersey, yet he’s aleady approved more borrowing, something he campaigned against. At least he’s going to make 2010 an interesting year.

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Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Just ask anybody. Oh, they’ll tell you. Over and over and over again. On the radio, they’ve been pounding it into our heads ever since November 1. That’s when a lot of stations went 24/7 Christmas. And every single one of them went 24/7 Christmas ad nauseam. A sixth of a year. Longer than the lifespan of four generations of drone ants. More protracted than an entire Minneapolis summer. Double the playoff contention duration of the Detroit Lions.

Cartoon by Angel Boligan - Cagle Cartoons (Click to license)

The problem is, this particular most wonderful time of the year is proving to be a bit less than. More like the most semi-wonderful time of the year or the most not-too-bad time of the year. Mainly because people like you and me (mostly you) selfishly refuse to stop whining and go out there and do their patriotic duty by sinking deeply into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid by buying more stuff than anybody in their right mind really needs. The worst holiday season in recent memory. Except for last year. So, things are looking up. But it’s an odd up.

It is fair to say that a great many of us are not going to find everything we want under the tree. So, making sure that we don’t throw a perfectly good premise out with the financial bath water, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ 2009 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. These are the presents that folks may not receive wrapped up with bows this year but certainly deserve.

For Bernie Madoff. A sudden illness that causes him to die peacefully in his sleep.

For Bernie Madoff. Since his foot spends so much time in his mouth, mint-flavored shoelaces.

For Tiger Woods. A marriage mulligan.

For Hall & Oates. Another 500 or so casinos in Las Vegas so Cirque du Soleil finally gets around to doing a show based on them.

For Barack Obama. A reset switch for his presidency.

For Sarah Palin’s Publisher. More best sellers targeted to people who don’t read. Maybe an “audio book for the deaf” division. Cookbooks for Supermodels.

For the U.S. Economy. A bit more stimulus to goose that whole stimulus thing into action.

For the Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican National Committee Looking at 2012. Something else on Sarah. Then again, maybe the Mayans were right.

For Newspaper Headline Writers Everywhere. Something else to write other than “Recession Appears to be Over.”

For Mexican President Calderon. A wall on the border to control our immigration.

For the Imposters Who Crashed the White House. An endorsement deal with Butterfingers.

For the Democrats in Congress. A year’s supply of whole milk to put a little calcium into their spine.

For Medical Science to Study. Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Howard Dean’s mouth.

For Granny. Someone to ask, if maybe she might not like her plug to be pulled.

For Those Three Hikers Facing Trial in Iran. Bill Clinton’s attention.

For Glenn Beck. A one-way ticket on the clue train.

For South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. See Tiger Woods.

For Joe Lieberman. A diamond-studded collar to befit his position as GOP lap dog.

The State of Texas. A time out, so they stop executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor as well.

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San Francisco-based political comic Will Durst writes sometimes, this being a sterling example, and expects 2010 to provide him with even richer grist. Catch Durst in stand-up mode at the 17th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Dec. 26-31. 6 cities. 6 days. 7 comics. 2,347 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628.

Copyright ©2009, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstofDurst.

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George Orwell used satire and talking pigs to mock utopian socialists in “Animal Farm.” Now, just in time for the Copenhagen climate conference, ClimateGate and the coming ice age, veteran libertarian journalist Bill Steigerwald shamelessly steals Orwell’s idea and uses talking polar bears to poke fun at global warming alarmists and their fellow travelers in Washington and the media.

Twisting the title of director Frank Capra’s movie masterpiece to his own ends, Steigerwald and his son Joe have created “G.P. Bear Goes to Washington: The True Story of a Freedom-Loving Carnivore.” A 12-part serialized “docu-fable,” it features real issues, real people and a magical, eloquent, media-savvy polar bear who understands his species is in far greater danger from the interventions of the federal government, Barbara Boxer, Al Gore, Leonard DiCaprio and overzealous wildlife scientists than from anthropogenic climate change.

G.P. Bear goes to Washington: The true story of a freedom-loving carnivore

Part 6

“Grandpa does Washington”

By Bill and Joe Steigerwald

(Previous Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Of all the animals the Inuit traditionally hunted, Nanuk, the polar bear, was the most prized. Native hunters considered Nanuk to be wise, powerful, and “almost a man.” Some called the bear “the great lonely roamer.” Many tribes told legends of strange polar-bear men that lived in igloos. These bears walked upright, just like men, and were able to talk. Natives believed they shed their skins in the privacy of their homes.

– Polar Bears International

JEFFERSON MEMORIAL, WASHINGTON, D.C.

It would have been an odd sight if any humans had been around to see three polar bears walking across the Tidal Basin and climbing the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. Open to the cold air and blowing snow, its cavernous icy marble interior was empty except for a 19-foot bronze statue of Thomas Jefferson.

“He’s as big as you are,” Junior said to Grandpa.

“He’s much bigger than I am,” Grandpa whispered as if he were in a church. “See those words engraved there on the wall. They’re from the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson is the human who wrote them.”

“What do they say?” Junior asked.

Grandpa smiled and winked at Mother. “They say, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all polar bears are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’”

“Those words are some of the greatest ever written about freedom,” Mother said. “Too bad so many humans no longer believe in them,” she added, opening her brown suitcase and taking out a neatly folded stack of human clothes.

“These should fit,” Mother said, handing Grandpa a dark herringbone three-button wool suit, matching vest and wide-striped tie like the one she had seen Jimmy Stewart wearing in the movie “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” “Your eyeglasses are in the breast pocket.”

“And here’s your costume, Junior,” Mother said, giving him a pair of home-made blue jeans and a Chicago Cubs T-shirt to go with his backpack and Cubs baseball cap. “And your glasses. Don’t ever take them off when we’re in the presence of humans.”

After Mother put on her black skirt, blouse and seashell pink blazer, she pulled out her pair of gray Kawasaki 704 eyeglasses and put them on. Except for her black nose, she looked eerily like Sarah Palin.

“What do you think, Dad?” Mother asked Grandpa. “They were a little pricy, even on the Internet. But I think they work.”

The three bears looked at each other’s outfits admiringly. They weren’t the latest fashions, but as far as any humans who looked at them could tell the trio looked like an ordinary - if large - family of humans who’d come to Washington to see the sights.

For several hours the three bears explored the snowy, deserted streets of downtown Washington. Grandpa had a long list of places he had always dreamed of visiting and they were all carefully plotted on the old map he carried.

They walked across the frozen Tidal Basin to the Washington Monument, where Grandpa hoped to take an elevator ride to the top. But it was closed because of the horrible weather, so instead they visited the National World War II Memorial and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

As they strolled past the brightly lit White House, two wary policemen in a patrol car slowed down to look them over.

“Wave, Mother,” Grandpa said under his breath as the policeman driving the car shined a spotlight on them. “Wave, Junior.”

The policeman hesitated. He squinted his eyes. Something seemed very, very fishy. He unlocked the shotgun attached to the dashboard of his patrol car.

Part 6 of 12 installments. Tomorrow: Part 7, “Abraham, Martin & Grandpa.”

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Bill Steigerwald is a former columnist and associate editor at the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review who’s also worked at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and the Los Angeles Times. E-mail Bill at bsteige@verizon.net If you’re not a paying subscriber to our service, you must contact us to print or post this column on the web. Distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc. Cari Dawson Bartley cari@cagle.com 800 696 7561.

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Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Okay. Here’s the deal: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2009. They are as different as night and day. Fire and frogs. Popeyes chicken and ballet fundraisers. High-rise condo balconies and balsa-wood furniture. Southern Baptist 4th of July church picnics and snow tires. There were all sorts of heavy- duty stories that impacted the country and

Cartoon by Taylor Jones - PoliticalCartoons.com (click to enlarge)

the planet. Can’t think of any right now, but trust me, there was a bunch. Rather, the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009 are the accounts that provoked a slow shake of the head and a soft chuckle without having to bear a moral weight larger than Manitoba, owing to the extreme unfunny nature of the death, destruction and gruesomeness inherent in the legitimate news. So here is the flip side, the stories from ‘09 most filled with mirthing possibilities.

10. Gov. Mark Sanford, R-S.C., and Sen. John Ensign, R-Nev., both found to have a bit of a problem in the monogamy department. The GOP breathes a sigh of relief that at least they were caught with women.

9. Beer Summit. Resolution sounded like the set-up for a joke. A professor, a cop and a president walk into a bar. Because as we all know, beer fixes racism.

8. Swine Flu. To keep from defaming our proud American factory pig farms, government attempts to change name to SOIV: Swine Originated Influenza Virus. Fails to catch on.

7. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. For David Souter’s replacement, the president chooses a Catholic diabetic woman from the South Bronx of Puerto Rican descent. Apparently that search for the albino midget lesbian unwed Bangladeshi mother with a bum leg and lycanthropy fell just a bit short.

6. Cash for Clunkers. Upon first hearing about the program, many thought it was about raising the per diem for the Senate. Or a recurring entry on a lobbyist’s expense report.

5. Nobel Peace Prize. The outcry from the right made you think the president had been caught naked under a goat at a Junkie Hookers for Satan Convention. Glenn Beck so outraged, it’s a miracle he didn’t pull a Kanye West, rush the award ceremonies and yell how Dick Cheney deserved it more.

4. Tiger Woods. Fall from Mt. Olympus is steep and loud. Maybe Nike will give Elin an endorsement deal. Who wouldn’t want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger? The two have given a whole new meaning to: “Just do it.”

3. Somali Pirates. Who knew piracy was a 21st century career track? What’s next: scurvy?

2. Sarah Palin. Alaska deserves decisive leadership, which is why she proved she’s not a quitter by resigning. More Sarah Logic we city folk just don’t understand. Then she writes a book that sells almost a million copies to non-readers. Queen of the Illiterati.

1. Teabaggers and Health Care Rioters. Easy to understand why these folks are so leery of public health care when you realize how obviously they’ve been failed by our public education system.

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San Francisco-based political comic Will Durst writes sometimes, this being a sterling example, and expects 2010 to provide him with even richer grist. Catch Durst in stand-up mode at the 17th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Dec. 26-31. 6 cities. 6 days. 7 comics. 2,347 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628.

Copyright ©2009, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

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Just like in the Wizard of Oz, the curtain was torn back and leading proponents of anthropogenic (people-caused) global warming have been caught lying

Called Climategate, the scandal exposes the global warming shysters who are conning the public into a massive restructuring of the global economy, while attempting to silence any dissent. But don’t expect to see this in our mainstream media, because they are the spinsters who promote this manipulation of data and propaganda.

Cartoon by Eric Allie - Cagle Cartoons (Click to enlarge)

It all began when an anonymous person hacked into the computers at the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit in England, releasing 61 megabytes of confidential files, including 1079 e-mails and 72 documents onto the Internet. These files are a wealth of information.

The most damning indictment of proponents of global warming hysteria is a long series of communications discussing how best to squeeze dissenting scientists out of the peer review process. The e-mails even included fantasies of violence against those who question anthropogenic global warming. These e-mails show disturbing patterns of “conspiracy, collusion in exaggerating warming data, possibly illegal destruction of embarrassing information, organized resistance to disclosure, manipulation of data, private admissions of flaws in their public claims and much more,” says Australian Sun’s Andrew Bolt.

Man-made global warming hysteria has long been fueled by people using junk science, fear and hyperbole to support an agenda that they personally profit from. As they attempt to lead the world into a green revolution, these propagandists are hiding the truth that the average global temperature has fallen since 1998.

The leading profiteering propagandist is Al Gore. After losing the presidential election in 2000, Al Gore became the leader of the hysteria movement. However, this “Eco-Prophet” has hidden a few inconvenient truths of his own. He just happens to be involved with a venture capital firm that has invested approximately a billion dollars in green companies that stand to make a bundle if Cap-and-Trade becomes law.

Reports state that Gore’s net worth now stands at $100 Million, when it was $2 million when he left politics. He’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Al Gore has a history of playing loose with the facts.

Recently on TV, while discussing geothermal energy, Al Gore made the outrageous claim that “the interior of the earth is extremely hot, several million degrees.” However, the actual temperature here on earth is between 5,000 and 9,000 degrees. This is a gaffe that if Sarah Palin had made, the media would ridicule as her stupid.

Speaking of hypocrisy, Al Gore is a living embodiment of it. As he lectures the world on energy use, and lobbies Congress to regulate productive American companies out of business, Gore consumes more than twenty times more energy than the average American, according to the Tennessee Center for Policy Research. This doesn’t count the energy consumption of his jet.

Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” is full of instances where he plays loose with the facts. A 2007 British court ruled that Gore’s film has nine significant refutable errors. These are examples of Gore’s scare tactics to induce the public to take radical action (to his financial benefit).

Not only is Gore prone to hyperbole, hypocrisy and blatant distortions, he is also a bully. Professor Richard Lindzen of MIT wrote about scientists being “in the crosshairs” of Gore, who “tried to bully” them into changing “their views and supporting his climate alarmism.” Lindzen also refers to a failed Gore effort to “enlist Ted Koppel (then a TV host) in a witch hunt to discredit anti-alarmist scientists.”

When one side tries to shut another side out of the debate, it is typically because they feel their arguments won’t stand up to scrutiny.

These propagandists use various tactics. A favorite is to make people feel guilty if they don’t jump on the “green” bandwagon, and those who do are praised for helping the environment.

With the Copenhagen meetings just around the corner, expect to see “green” propaganda exponentially increasing. Open your eyes to these manipulators of data and people, who while acting like do-gooders, see great (green as in money) gain.

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©2009 Floyd and Mary Beth Brown. The Browns are bestselling authors and speakers. Together they write a national weekly column distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Floyd is also president of the Western Center for Journalism. For more info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com.

Floyd’s latest book (with Lee Troxler) is “Obama Unmasked,” from Merril Press. Mary Beth’s latest book is featured at www.condibook.com. Time magazine wrote of Floyd: “Brown has stature among devoted conservatives that almost matches his physical heft (6 ft. 6 in. and 240 lbs.)” See more at Floyd’s blog at www.2minuteview.com. To comment on this column, e-mail browns@caglecartoons.com.

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